I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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