we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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