you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
