There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
