I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
