Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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