i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
