God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
