I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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