sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My bed smells like the plague
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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