Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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