I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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