college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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