thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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