im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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