i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
