I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize