I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
