what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
