I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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