Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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