I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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