I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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