I'm jealous of your bromance
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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