She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
