They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
