You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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