if only i could text you this smell
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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