Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
