If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
nutella sex= disaster
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
