I think I won the penis lottery.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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