I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
