I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
