I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
