hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
