Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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