I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
