You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
