i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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