Soap is not a condiment
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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