Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
