Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You are the jesus of drinking
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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