Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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