im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
