On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
