first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize