My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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