just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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