God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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