Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think I died a long time ago.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
