i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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