so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
