two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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