totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My bed smells like the plague
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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