No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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