I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
