Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
