Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
